


Lavender Tea

by Dramaticdragon



Series: ADHD!!! on Ice [5]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: ADHD Character, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, TW: suicidal thoughts, adhd viktor, hurt all comfort lol, mama hiroko and her adopted russian son, no one dies but it does address ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:33:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27552367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dramaticdragon/pseuds/Dramaticdragon
Summary: If you feel like you don't have much to life for, sometimes it's hard to keep living. But Viktor and Yuuri find ways.[TW: Suicidal thoughts/ideation, however no attempts]
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Series: ADHD!!! on Ice [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1923961
Comments: 8
Kudos: 48





	1. Hiroko's Help

**Author's Note:**

> TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/IDEATION  
> If this is a trigger for you PLEASE do not read.   
> I made this kind of as a 'vent' to just word out my own feelings with ideation in the past, mainly from Viktor's POV
> 
> This isn't THAT angsty, and who knows if the plot is any good, but eh I wanted to get this out here so here you go, enjoy.

Viktor expected a lot of things when he dropped everything to fly to Japan.

He expected his hot Japanese dream man to come running into his arms, jump into the hot springs with him, and ride away into the sunset, as Viktor coached him to his greatest season yet.

He didn’t quite get that.

He’s gotten half-way, so to speak. He _is_ currently coaching Yuuri’s best season ever, Yuuri _has_ been in the hot springs with him, and they are officially dating now. Viktor normally wasn’t satisfied with anything other than gold, but if waiting patiently got him this far with Yuuri, he didn’t mind taking things a little slower, and meeting Yuuri where he’s at.

Viktor also expected all his problems to go away. Probably carried off by said dream man, but whatever the method they would be gone.

They were not.

He still had what he mentally coined “muffled days”, where he would wake up grumpy and unfocused and overwhelmed all at once. He called them “muffle days” in his head, because he’d often try to wear earplugs or headphones those days to “muffle” the sound. He wanted to kiss whoever thought of airpods, because they served as completely socially acceptable earplugs. No one had to know you didn’t have music playing and were just trying to quiet everything else, _and_ you looked kind of cool and rich on top of it all. Anyway, those days were still present. He still had to muffle plenty of sounds, the sounds of customers at the onsen, sounds of chattering people at the market, and even the sound of the music at the rink.

He still had days where he felt completely empty inside, like he was watching the world from an outside perspective as he went through his day. Not feeling excited, angry, sad, nervous- nothing.

It was hard sometimes, going from those “muffle days” where he felt too much of everything, to days where all he wanted was to feel something.

It wasn’t every day, of course, but his magic dancing dream man did _not_ actually heal him the moment they kissed.

There were also many things Viktor _didn’t_ expect from Japan.

He didn’t know Yuuri had a sister, which soon meant _Viktor_ had a sister. He didn’t know Yuuri’s parents were as kind and welcoming as they were (part of him figured it was just a mask for the whole ‘hospitality’ business, but even after hours they were just _like that_ ).

He didn’t expect Yuuri to have an anxiety disorder.

He figured Yuuri was just… the type of guy to get last-minute stage fright. Which, _yeah_ , he also was. But it continued into his day-to-day life, too. Yuuri told him, explicitly, about his anxiety disorder on the beach on day. For some odd reason, the beach always brought out the emotions in them. Maybe because it was familiar to them both.

He didn’t expect Yuuri to say it was something that ran in the family. That his mom was a nervous eater, too. Apparently, age and steady routines had helped her deal with it over time, but it never went away entirely.

He didn’t expect Yuuri’s family to be some “learn from experience” mental health expert squad. Part of him (a bias he had to quickly address and grow from) just thought eastern cultures tried to avoid any mental health talk. But the Katsuki family didn’t seem to shy away from taboo words like “anxiety”. Sure, they didn’t broadcast it, or make a show of it. But they were self-aware. When Yuuri was having a bad day, his whole family knew he’d be at the ice rink until his mind settled down. The only one who ever complained was Mari, and that was just because she was his sister, and claimed it was her God-given right to complain about everything her little brother does. Even then, she only complained when she knew it wasn’t anything major.

Yuuri could tell when his mom was having an overwhelming day too, and one day even worked up the courage to ask Viktor if they could end practice an hour early, to go home and help his mom with the sudden large family who was staying at the Onsen. Mari didn’t get the “anxious gene”, as Yuuri said, but she did get very snappy when overwhelmed, and had a personal vendetta against bright fluorescent lights for some reason.

(Viktor felt compelled to get sensory-sensitive bulbs for his rooms lamps.)

The Katsuki family took care of each other. They knew each other’s boundaries, limits, preferences, and everything in between. Sure, they were still an average family and weren’t perfect, but they loved each other, and just wanted to take care of their little family.

But more than anything else, Viktor wasn’t expecting the Katsuki family to adopt him into that care.

Viktor’s version of care was Yakov’s style of love. “I’m pushing you harder because I know you can be better” style. Viktor was used to that, and did genuinely appreciate it, and understood it was only because Yakov also truly believed in Viktor. His family was… distant, but again, it was because they knew he could be a good skater, so they shipped him off to the world’s best coach.

When he had muffled days, however, he just had to shove something in his ears or deal with it. Yakov wouldn’t stop correcting him just because Viktor wanted some quiet. Even worse, was when Yurio joined the rink, and felt oddly compelled to prove his lung capacity every day.

Empty days were still empty days there, and probably happened more often than Viktor wanted to admit. But again, nothing changed there. Yakov was still Yakov, his rinkmates were still his rinkmates, Makkachin was still Makkachin, nothing stopped or changed from the routine.

Not at Yu-Topia, though.

Somehow, Hiroko Katsuki had achieved psychic abilities (Viktor theorized it was a reward from the gods for bringing Yuuri into the world), and was able to figure out when Viktor was having a hard day.

“Oh, Mari,” She’d say, “Can you lower the music a little?”

“Now Yuuri,” She’d say, “I know you’re excited to tell me out the competition, but lower your voice okay?”

“Toshiya, really,” She’d say, “Do you need the TV _this loud_ just to watch the game?”

At first, Viktor thought she just didn’t like loud noises either. It wasn’t exactly an uncommon trait. But it wasn’t until Viktor was having a perfectly fine mental day, that he noticed Mari playing music and Toshiya watching a match, simultaneously, that he realized she was wiping the tables down completely unfazed.

She did that for him.

But why?

The oddities continued when Viktor had an “empty day”. It was a really hard one, too.

For some childish reason, Viktor thought that once he started dating Yuuri, _then_ his fantasy of his dream man stealing away his problems would come true. It wasn’t some fantastical idea; it was just delayed because Yuuri wasn’t dating him immediately. But no, lo and behold, Viktor had both a boyfriend, and an “empty day”, on this sad little Wednesday.

It was a big one, too.

Viktor could feel every ounce of weight in his body, and just the idea of getting out of bed exhausted him. He knew he had to soon- Yuuri needed a coach, after all. They had things to work on today. Makkachin needed to be fed. Hiroko was kind enough to provide them with breakfast, and he couldn’t turn a nose up on her hospitality.

But the very _thought_ of doing even one of those things made Viktor squeeze his eyes tight in disgust.

Why get up? What’s the point? What’s he doing this all for, anyway?

Viktor knew there was a point. That there was a reason. That tomorrow, probably, he’d be back to normal and be happy to be here, happy to see the sun, happy to skate, happy to live.

But he wasn’t today.

He mentally reprimanded himself. He can’t be stupid and sad at a time like this. His life was at, what he considered, a new peak. Even if his career was on hold, he has experiencing so much love and _life_ here. If anything, he had more reasons for living now than he’s ever had.

… so why does he still not care?

Viktor sighed, forcing himself up out of bed, while once again mentally scolding himself. Even if he couldn’t be _happy_ today, he’d force himself to be _functional_.

So, he drudged his body down the hall and into the dining area, where breakfast had already been served. The good thing about staying at an inn was, there was always good breakfast. Even in an empty day, Viktor still appreciated Hiroko’s cooking talent.

Hiroko was taking a guests finished plates away, when she saw Viktor.

“Good morning, Vicchan,” She smiled.

“Good morning,” Viktor greeted back. He had a marvelous talent of fake-smiling during empty days.

Hiroko looked at him for a moment more, than continued on her merry way of cleaning. Viktor thought that was that, as usual, and kept eating.

“Here, Vicchan,” Hiroko’s sweet voice interrupted his meal, a few minutes later.

“Hmm?” Viktor asked, mouth full of rice.

In front of him was a steaming cup of fresh tea.

“Oh?” Viktor asked, now successfully having swallowed his food.

“This is my favorite lavender tea,” Hiroko explained, “It always puts me in a better mood.”

And before Viktor could even say anything, she was gone again.

He blinked, processing what just happened. Normally, he wouldn’t think anything of Hiroko making tea, she obviously liked tea and made it a lot. But it was what she said that threw Viktor off. “Always puts me in a better mood”? Was Viktor in a bad mood? He wasn’t angry, but… he’d be stupid to not call this technically a ‘bad mood’.

Later on, in the late evening, Viktor was hardly feeling better. He was able to be functionally, hooray, and was still able to properly coach Yuuri as usual. It felt less lively today, since Viktor felt less _alive_ today, but it still got the job done.

It was when Viktor was sitting at the living room tables, adjusting his robe sleeve after a nice bath, that Hiroko came next to him and gently placed an arm on his shoulder.

“We’re very happy you’re here, Vicchan,” She said, in a term Viktor could only describe as ‘motherly’.

He wasn’t sure how to respond, frankly.

“Can I sit with you for a moment?” Hiroko asked. Because she worked in a hospitality business, she spoke decent English, but Viktor always thought it was endearing when her accent shown through every now and then.

Viktor nodded, and scooted over to make some room.

They sat in quiet for a moment, and watched the soap opera that Mari left on, as Hiroko nursed a cup of tea.

“Vicchan,” She started slowly, during a commercial break, “Do you like Japan?”

“I do,” Viktor said, happy to have an easy question to answer, “It’s wonderful here.”

“I’m glad,” She said, a pleased smile across her face, “But do you miss home?”

Viktor paused. Frankly, he hadn’t thought about it much. He missed speaking his native tongue daily, sure, and missed a few random specific things here and there (food delivery seemed to take such a long time in a small town, compared to Saint Petersburg). But on the whole, Viktor wasn’t sure. This tiny town had a lot more warmth than his generic apartment, that’s for sure. He called it his home, but that was just a formality. At the moment, he felt like maybe he didn’t quite have a home.

“Sometimes,” He answered, which was honest, “But I’m happy here, too.”

“I’m sure,” Hiroko nodded, taking a quick sip, “I know it was hard for poor Yuuri, that first few months in America. He called every day then, and I was starting to get worried he’d up and quit and come home.”

“Really?” Viktor asked. This was news to him. According to Yuuri, he finished his degree between the Sochi GPF and Viktor’s sudden arrival, so he was indefinitely back in Japan for the time being. He told stories here and there about the states, but most of them consisted of the antics he and Phichit got into, and they were all told with a warm, nostalgic tone. Never one of miserable memories.

Hiroko nodded.

“It took about eight or nine months, honestly,” She continued, “He still called often, but I wasn’t worried that he was about to do something crazy anymore, at least.”

Viktor nodded, listening. He hadn’t quite been here nine months, but he hadn’t really felt homesick like that at all.

“You know about his anxiety,” Hiroko said, her voice quiet and soft, “I was worried. I’m his mom, I always worry for my children, but… I was scared, this time, that Yuuri might be losing his way.”

“Losing his way?” Viktor echoed.

“That might not be the right word, in English, but yes. He always needed somewhere quiet and private to run off to when he was nervous; he didn’t have that in America. I was nervous I’d lose him to that.”

Viktor listened careful. That could mean many things, and he only hoped she meant it metaphorically.

“But, eight months in, he found a- _what’s the word-_ a therapist there who studied in Japan, and spoke Japanese. He’ll tell you his English was bad, but I still say he was fluent even then, but having someone to talk to in Japanese, I think, is what helped him most.”

Viktor nodded again. Part of him felt as if he was violating, in some way. Like this was Yuuri’s secret to tell, not Hiroko’s. But he was also curious- why was she telling him this?

“My point is,” Hiroko said, her voice cheering up and she gave Viktor a soft pat on the arm, “You’re part of our family now, so as a mother, it’s my job to worry about you too, okay?”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry for me.” Viktor said quickly, shaking his head.

Hiroko simply _tsk­_ -ed and smiled jokingly at him.

“Vicchan, really, you know my son; you think you can tell me not to worry for someone?”

Viktor knew it was a joke, but he also knew there was some truth to that. Yuuri and Hiroko had worrying in their blood.

And now, Hiroko was choosing to worry over Viktor, too.

“Well,” Viktor said with a laugh, hoping to do something to not be a burden, “Please don’t worry _too much_ , then!”

“Don’t worry me, and I won’t,” She said, and the look in her eyes told Viktor she saw right through him.

“I still have some lavender tea left,” Hiroko said, standing up, “Would you like some?”

Viktor paused for a moment. He wasn’t sure how to react. For once in his life, he felt like someone was acknowledging that he was… well, _unhappy_. But in a weird way, that made him relieved. Just as with Yuuri’s anxiety, she didn’t make a show of it, and she didn’t accuse him of anything either. All she did, was tell him, in her own way, to take care of himself instead.

It felt strange. Even the offer for her “good mood tea”, felt like a loaded question. If he said yes, he’d be admitting that he needed it, and that Hiroko was right to worry for him. He could say no, and just keep going on pretending like nothing was ever wrong, and never letting anyone in.

“Yes, please,” He said.


	2. The Beach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor and Yuuri have a long talk on the beach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall ever have long emotional talks when the sun goes down? yeah.  
> anyway once more:  
> TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/IDEATION  
> specifically: knives.
> 
> please don't put yourself at risk if this may bother you!!!! Stay safe first and foremost.   
> anyway enjoy love u

It wasn’t until much later, after Yuuri’s silver at Barcelona, that the topic ever came up again. Viktor still had Muffled Days and Empty Days between then and now, but a small part of him joked that he was far too busy coaching a winner to worry about his own feelings, so he probably missed a couple bad days without even realizing it.

But now, things were settling back down. They agreed to take some time off during the off season. Still skating regularly, of course, but taking some time for his muscles to have a break from a daily regimen.

The peace was nice; it gave them time to finally breathe.

It also gave Yuuri and Viktor time to talk.

As usual, they talked by the beach. So many important discussions happened here. Viktor asking Yuuri what he wanted Viktor to be to him, Yuuri opening up about his anxiety, Viktor opening up about his ADHD- an exceptionally hard conversation, and even talk about moving into Viktor’s apartment Saint Petersburg before the next season started.

The sun was setting, currently, over the slow moving waves. Makkachin was still home at the Onsen (she was getting a little too old for Yuuri’s insane jogging stamina), so it was just them on a sandbank.

“Viktor…” Yuuri started, “Can I be honest with you?”

“Of course,” Viktor answered, looking to Yuuri.

“I’m a bit nervous, about moving.” Yuuri said, “Internationally, that is.”

Viktor remembered the conversation he had a while ago, with Hiroko, about Yuuri’s first year in the United States. He didn’t want Russia to be something worth dreading.

“Is it the language?” Viktor asked, assuming that was the biggest cause.

“That’s a big part, yeah,” Yuuri nodded, “But I think, just… It’s a big change. To be honest, it’s an even bigger change than when I moved to Detroit, and I handled that like crap at the beginning. But that was just by myself, this time I’m moving to a new place, and I’m moving with my fiancé, too.”

Viktor blushed a little- he doubted he’d get used to the term ‘fiancé’ any time soon. Maybe by the time he finally stopped being flustered by it, they’d be ‘husbands’.

“Is that a bad thing?” He asked, genuinely concerned that Yuuri might be having second thoughts.

“No, no, not bad,” Yuuri was quick to correct, “Just… _different_. I’m sure you’ve figured out, I’m not too good with _different_.”

Viktor nodded.

“Is there something I can do?” Viktor asked. He was getting better at handling nervous Yuuri, but he still didn’t instinctually know what to do.

“I guess… Can I just, tell you about when I moved to Detroit, and… just listen? I think I just need to get it out of my system, and I’ll be fine.”

Viktor nodded. That was easy, he could listen to Yuuri talk for days.

“I was really excited to move to America, originally.” Yuuri explained, “I think I was really nervous, too, but I tried to just tell myself it was all excitement, so I wouldn’t take away from the fun. I had already competed internationally before, so I’ve been on international flights before, but for some reason I did a really bad job that flight. I think the nerves finally got to me, and I ended up throwing up on the plane.”

“Oh, dear,” Viktor hummed. He was very grateful to be blessed with a stomach that favored international flights- Yurio’s did _not_ , and he needed what Viktor thought here horse tranquilizers to get his stomach to calm down on a plane.

“Yeah, it was gross. I think it was, like, an omen. Pretty much the whole first year there was rough. I didn’t get very far at all that year, competitively. I still did fine, but, nothing worth remembering. Outside of the rink, though, was awful. Phichit didn’t move in with me until my second year, so I was by myself in the dorm. The culture there was… _so_ different. And different in ways I didn’t know cultures could be different. I’m sure it’s like that for you, here in Hasetsu?”

Yuuri paused, and looked to Viktor. Viktor nodded, he knew exactly what Yuuri meant. It was the littlest things that were the strangest of cultures shocks, probably because you don’t expect them. You expect the language change and all, but not that the women here hardly ever wear red lipstick like they do in Russia. Who notices that? Apparently, Viktor.

“It was pretty awful, that first year. People there were always in your bubble-” Viktor remembered that story of the girl who hugged Yuuri in the hospital, “-and were really loud. The food was different, the fashion was different, the way people talked was different… The entire _temperature scale_ was different. I thought, maybe if it’s all different at once, it won’t be so bad. I won’t have time to be nervous or overwhelmed about the little things, because it’s just one big shock at once. Like, when you lay on a bed of needles, it’s not supposed to hurt, because it’s equal weight on all of them, or something like that… I was wrong. I found time to be upset about everything. Even the waste system was different, and I was upset by that, too. I couldn’t handle all the changes, every day. It felt like I was completely alone, but also like I had no peace and quiet. Does that make any sense?”

Viktor nodded. It wasn’t quite as extreme for him, coming to Japan long-term, but he could easily see how, for someone like Yuuri, it could be that way.

“And, um… This part’s really embarrassing, but… I was probably at my lowest, then. After the Sochi GPF, I was super low, too, but I think that was different. Those first few months in the states, I…”

Yuuri took a dry-gulp, and pointedly looked away.

“I wasn’t… I wondered what it would be like- that is, if I should…”

Viktor was quiet, but he understood what Yuuri was trying to say.

“Thankfully, though, I found a doctor who spoke Japanese. I, um, I never told anyone this- well, except that docter, duh-, but I actually had to order premade food for about a month there. My mom thought it was because I was just stressed cooking for myself every day, but… It was because I didn’t trust myself holding a knife. There was a part of me that knew if I picked one up, something would happen. Obviously, that went away over time, and the doctor helped a lot. Having Phichit move in was great, too, because Thailand was still different than Japan, but way closer than America…”

Yuuri was quiet for a moment, before speaking back up again, voice incredibly soft.

“Sorry,” He whispered, “It feels weird… I never told anyone that much before.”

Viktor nodded, and held out an open palm half-way between himself and Yuuri. An offer. Yuuri took it, placing his hand in Viktor’s. They didn’t so much ‘hold hands’ as much as ‘put on hand on top of the other’, but it’s just what they needed.

“I don’t think that will happen in Russia, honestly,” Yuuri said, “Because I’m a lot stronger now that I’m older. Plus, I’ve got you, now.”

“You’ll always have me,” Viktor added in quietly.

Yuuri nodded.

“I guess… that’s all I wanted to say? It sounds weird, it was way shorter than I thought… So um…”

Yuuri glanced nervously at Viktor, visibly trying to gauge his reaction.

“Thank you for telling me,” Viktor said, honestly, “I wish I could have gone back in time to help you, then.”

Yuuri smiled.

“I think the timing we have now is pretty good,” Yuuri smiled.

“Well, maybe for _you_ ,” Viktor joked, “But _I_ want us to meet earlier! So suck it up, and meet me when you’re in America.”

Yuuri laughed.

“You’re right, you’re right,” He laughed, “I’ll go time travel right now.”

They laughed together, watching the last shred of sunlight fade under the water’s edge. Their laughter faded too, leaving only a relieved silence.

“You know…” Viktor said quietly, after some time had passed, “I think I know how you felt.”

“Hm?” Yuuri hummed, moving his thumb to gently stroke Viktor’s hand.

“Not about the international thing, so much as… the other part.”

Neither of them wanted to say the word, but they both knew it.

“Really? You?” Yuuri asked, surprised.

Viktor nodded.

“It wasn’t because I was nervous, I’m very rarely nervous.” Viktor started, staring down at the sand, now illuminated by the soft orange of the streetlight some distance away, “But I think I was just… tired.”

As Viktor finally spoke his admittance into existence, he realized something.

He said it in past tense.

That felt, somehow, like a lie.

“I think…” Viktor corrected, “I still do sometimes.”

Yuuri nodded, clearly concerned but not wanting to interrupt.

“I never put a name to it, really, or even thought about it, but now that you said all that about yourself…”

Viktor trailed off, thinking deeply. He was hardly an introspective person, but this was important. This was worth thinking over.

He had to say the word, first, to face this.

 _Suicidal_.

Viktor never considered himself suicidal. People who were suicidal were depressed, were alone, they felt like there was nothing left. Sure, Viktor was also often depressed, alone, and felt like he had nothing left. But he wasn’t suicidal. He never bought a gun with one bullet, he never looked at the edge of a tall bridge the wrong way, and he never even thought about taking a few too many sleeping aid pills. He wasn’t suicidal.

Suicidal meant you wanted to die.

Viktor didn’t want to die.

He just considered what it would be like to not be alive. 

“One time,” Viktor admitted, “I slipped in the shower. I caught myself, on the way down, so I didn’t actually fall. But when I stood back up, I had this weird feeling in my stomach. I thought ‘why did I do that?’, and-… and I wondered what would have happened if I didn’t catch myself.”

Yuuri paused in Viktor’s periphery, but Viktor was too focused on the tiny sand grains in front of him to look too closely.

“I never really looked at knifes, the way you described. I think… I think I wasn’t even aware it was a problem. Maybe in the back of my mind, I did. I’m sure a part of me knew it’s not normal to think that way. But the rest of me… Just didn’t care. So what if something happened, you know? I wasn’t going to go out of my way to _make_ something happen, but if it did… What did I care?”

Viktor paused for a moment, before continuing:

“I know others would care, but not _really_. Fans would care, but then the next skater would take my place, and they’d forget about me. I don’t hold it against them, either, that’s just how it is. Yakov would probably be sad, sure, but he still had a job to do with all his other skaters. My family hardly calls, so they might not even notice until New Years, if I don’t answer their calls then. But that would be it. Nothing permanent, you know? What difference did it make?”

Yuuri held on to Viktor’s hand tightly.

“A while back,” Viktor explained, glacing over to Yuuri’s shoulder- not quite eye contact, but closer, “I think your mom figured me out. I woke up one day, and just figured nothing would change if I never got out of bed… And she made me this tea blend, she said it helped her get into a better mood. She always seemed to know the days when I felt like that, because she always made me that tea those days… It sounds weird, but it really helped. It didn’t really give me some deep, insightful ‘reason for living’, but… I figured I’d keep on living, to be grateful for her tea. Ah, that sounds pretty stupid out loud, huh?”

He was about to add another self-deprecating comment, when Yuuri interrupted him:

“It’s not stupid.” He said quickly.

Viktor, started by the sudden stop, finally looked up to Yuuri.

“It’s never stupid if it helps.” Yuuri said, firmly, then his voice quieted down some as he added, “One of the things that helped me, was that there was a cat by the dorms I saw most mornings. He liked me, and I pet him a lot, and I figured he might get lonely if I suddenly left. Some days, that’s all I had, but it worked, didn’t it?”

Viktor stared at Yuuri.

Sure, when Yuuri said it, it sounded much better. Any reason for Yuuri to stick around was a good reason. But then, he probably thought that of Viktor’s reasons, huh.

“What tea was it?” Yuuri asked.

“Lavender.” Viktor answered.

“I’ll get us some, in Russia,” Yuuri promised, “You have to tell me when you want me to make you some, okay?”

Yuuri and Viktor had an odd method of communicating. They said things in such roundabout ways. Probably because of their sport, they had to find such artful ways of telling a story, they forgot they could just be upfront sometimes.

Promising to make Viktor some lavender tea was a direct translation to ‘I’ll do whatever I can to keep you with me’, and the sentiment almost made Viktor cry.

“I guess we’re even,” Viktor hummed, after a moment, “I’ve never told anyone that, either.”

“Have you ever talked to anyone about it, professionally?” Yuuri asked.

Viktor shook his head.

“I never thought it was a problem, until I suddenly found so much worth living for, here.”

Even though they were only illuminated by the dull street light and crescent moon, Viktor could still see the growing, pleased smile on Yuuri’s face.

“I’m glad you found it,” Yuuri said, “Maybe when we’re in Russia, you can talk to someone… They can probably give you a lot more help than I can.”

Viktor shrugged. Given that he never acknowledged until maybe a month ago that he even _had_ a problem, he certainly never thought of a way to fix it. Therapy sounded really scary, at the moment.

“We’ll figure it out,” Yuuri promised, sensing Viktor’s apprehension.

“Do you still feel that way, sometimes?” Viktor asked, bringing the conversation back to Yuuri.

“No, I don’t think so. To be honest, I was surprised I didn’t feel that way after the previous Grand Prix… I was really depressed, sure, but… I cooked just fine, and never really thought I wanted to- to _die_. I wanted to hurry up and finish school and run back to Japan, and hide away in my room forever, but… never _die_.”

Viktor nodded. Even though it was all in retrospect, he was still proud of Yuuri for that.

“But you’ll tell me, if it ever happens again?” Viktor asked, leaning in towards Yuuri.

Yuuri nodded, confidently.

“I will. I promise.”

Viktor smiled.

Viktor wasn’t the type of person to claim someone was his entire reason for living. It was a bit too dramatic (which, frankly, is saying a lot), and also was a bit too fragile for Viktor. A person is still just a person, even if they’re your best friend in the whole world. You shouldn’t put your whole being and life on one person’s shoulders, it’s not fair to them. Another person shouldn’t be your reason for living, Viktor believed.

But making someone some Lavender Tea if they needed it, seemed like a good enough reason, at least not to die. So Viktor would live on, through his muffled days and empty days, though his days were he felt like he had no purpose or drive, if only to make Lavender Tea for Yuuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun bonus notes:  
> -like i said Viktor's POV is mostly from my own experience  
> -Yuuri's struggles with SMALL AND WEIRD things giving the biggest culture shock is from my own abroad experience. did you know that notebook school paper has holes in different spots in some countries. baffling. 
> 
> anyway thanks for reading! feel free to leave a nice comment if you want!  
>  if you or someone you love is struggling with this stuff tho, please reach out to a professional and seek help


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